As the new year begins, I’m sharing a two-part series on the motherhood lessons I’ve learned while parenting neurodiverse kids. This post is Part One.

I am a Salt Lake City family photographer, but more than that, I am a mom first and foremost.

I am a mom to four children who are each neurodiverse. Their brains are a mix-and-match of giftedness, autism, OCD, and ADHD. Their personalities are unique. Their struggles are real. And their experiences have taken what many families see as “typical” childhood challenges and turned the volume way up.

Because of that, parenting has required me to slow down, pay attention, and unlearn a lot of what I thought motherhood was supposed to look like.

Most of all, it has required me to let go of expectations—of my kids, of myself, and of how parenting should appear to the outside world.

Meltdowns Are Not a Choice

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that meltdowns are not misbehavior.
They are not manipulation.
They are not a choice.

When a child is dysregulated, their brain cannot process what they are experiencing—at least not on the timeline adults wish they could. Their nervous system is overloaded. Their emotions are bigger than their ability to manage them.

This understanding changed everything for me.

Instead of asking, “Why are they acting like this?” I now ask, “What are they experiencing right now?” That shift turns frustration into compassion and discipline into connection.

Co-Regulation Comes Before Self-Regulation

My kids inherently struggle more with emotional regulation. Expecting them to calm themselves down without support isn’t realistic. What they need first is co-regulation.

That means me staying calm.
It means being present instead of reactive.
It means offering safety instead of consequences in moments of overwhelm.

Sometimes that looks like sitting quietly next to my child during a meltdown on the floor of a Target aisle while others watch or judge. I’ve learned to give myself permission not to care what others think and to focus solely on what my child needs from me in that moment.

When I regulate myself, I give my kids space to regulate too. Over time, their skills grow. They need me less. But that growth only happens because patience came first.

Letting Go of Parenting for the Crowd

One of the hardest things I’ve had to release is the pressure to look “proactive” or “in control” in public. I’ve learned that parenting isn’t a performance.

Other parents may scoff. They may expect a different response. But I know my child. I know their brain. And I know that calm presence does far more than lectures ever could.

Letting go of public judgment has allowed me to parent with intention instead of fear.

Trusting My Gut and Releasing Expectations

Looking back, I wish I had trusted my intuition sooner. When my kids were little, I noticed behaviors that didn’t quite line up with their peers. When I tried to voice those concerns, I often heard, “Every kid does that.”

For too long, I listened to others instead of myself.

Eventually, I decided I deserved to be heard. I found the right people. That choice brought understanding, learning, growth, and peace into our family. I had to let go of the expectation that everything would follow a “typical” path—and that letting go made room for clarity.

A Phrase That Grounds Me as a Mom

When things feel hard, I remind myself of this:
Children want to do their best.

If they’re struggling, it’s because something feels overwhelming—not because they’re choosing to do poorly. I often say to myself, “They must really be struggling right now.” That simple reframe helps me meet my kids with empathy instead of frustration.

They are allowed to have big emotions.
So am I.

If you’d like to keep reading, Part Two of this series dives into how these lessons shaped the way I advocate, ask for help, and build community while parenting neurodiverse kids.

If you’re looking for a photographer who understands childhood, motherhood, and the beauty of real life, I’d love to connect.